Love Letter

Dear Loved One,

I don't know how I got here. I don't know what road I took, what choice I made, or what deal I made that I got you. Sometimes I like to believe that God knew; that He knew that I would feel the way that I do and knew that I needed to have you in my life. You know as well as I do that I have never had a problem putting into words how I feel or the opinions I carry or the causes that I hold dear to my heart. Yet, my voice was always an afterthought. I didn't see the value in what I wanted to say, or how people would feel when I said what I felt. You know that I have had trouble finding my true voice in a world where the pressure to be correct and perfect is the primary focus, muddling my voice and getting lost in the traffic. Yet, as I grew and you pushed me to be my true self, I found my voice. I found that I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs because I felt that for so long, my voice was silent; that I was behind a two-way mirror and the mute button held the power over me. You gave me the rock to break the glass. You encouraged me to break that glass and find the importance of my voice. You broke the walls of my box that I kept my heart in, and said "Its ok to be you and I will be there every step of the way." You listened to me cry, and ache over the hurt that I feel every day, and talked me through it, loved me through it. You wrapped me up in an embrace when I was at a loss for why my world felt so heavy, and allowed me to sink into that embrace until I was ready to stand on my own. You laid in the trenches with me, and fought off my emotional demons one by one, all the while making me laugh and smile because laughing is what I do best. You shared moments of pure joy and happiness with me that gave me the strength to fight one more hour, one more day. You walked with me, hand in hand, on a road that had dips, curves, broken paths and dark turns, and fought through those times with me. 

You were my saving grace.

I don't know why I am so lucky, so lucky to have someone like you in my life and in a time where I have felt so broken and disconnected. I don't know why He chose me to hold these moments close to my heart. But I do know why He gave me you. He knew that one day my heart would shatter into a thousand shards on the floor, and only you could stand by me, pass me a broom and help to gather my heart back together. He knew that you were going to be the one who sat at the table with me and said, "Its ok to cry," as I felt the most painful of emotions and thought my world would swallow me up. You looked me in the eyes and allowed me to see comfort, strength and determination to get better because you saw my worth. You saw that although I was broken, I wasn't damaged or disposable. You saw me for who I am and loved me for it. 

When I wake up everyday, I list the things that make me feel whole. The things that I can use to scotch tape the cracks and holes in my heart. I think about the beach, and the soft crash of the waves and the slight warmth the sun leaves on my skin, making me feel like I am glowing. I think about the backyard and running around in a  sweatshirt and boots with my dogs while rolling in the grass. I think about coffee dates, movie marathons, hours-long phone conversations, backyard dance parties, and you. I think about you. I think about the happiness and comfort that you bring to my mind when I think about the fact that you will always be there. That no matter how low I feel, no matter how heavy the thoughts, no matter how strong the current feels when I am being pulled under, You will be there to pull me to the shore. You will be there to bring the life back into my eyes. You will be there to put the glow back into my soul. You will be there to remind me of who I am.

I have never been good at being honest with myself. Much like the darkness that hides in the shadows of my mind, Honesty sits in a chair out in the open and watches me. Watches me with wide eyes, unafraid of the contact. It looks at me with a smug smile, "Eventually you will have to admit you are wrong. Eventually, this wave pool of emotions is going to overflow and I am the only one who can save you." Inciting fear and uncertainty in me. Therefore, honesty has always been the friend I never wanted. Yet, you showed me that my truth isn't ugly, or dark, or life-ending. Its a beautiful novel that is still being written, and you gave me the pen. 

This is my love letter to you. My letter to tell you how thankful for you I am. My letter to remind you of how important you are to me. My letter to show you that what you did saved my life. My letter to express how deeply I love you from the bottom of my heart. 

I don't know if I will ever be able to truly show you how much what you have done for me had changed me, but I promise to try every day that I remain on this earth.

All My Love,

MF