The Ugly Cry

I have always been an emotional person. And when I say emotional, I am speaking to all the sides of the spectrum. I am a drama queen and blow the smallest of things out of proportion and melt down when I can't find my damn keys. I get really overwhelmed and in my head when it comes to my assumptions of what others think of me and my actions, causing me to be set off in a tail-spin of crazy that propels me into the land of anxiety. When that time of the month comes and I am surfing the crimson wave, the mere fact that the ABC Store doesn't have Reese's Peanut Butter Cups causes me to explode with tears and feel like the world is against me. I get really, really emotional when it comes to music, and when lyrics speak to me, resulting in me immediately calling my mom and forcing her to experience it as well. I am THAT girl you see sobbing in her car with the windows up at the stoplight because Dixie Chicks played spontaneously on the radio and it hit your emotional hot button. More importantly, I have lost count of the times where I have felt like the smallest of sentences coming from the wrong person could create a simple human reaction: tears. I cry all the time. As the ever so eloquent Kristen Bell said in reference to her emotions, "If I am not between a 2 and a 5 on the emotional scale, I'm crying," which completely speaks to me. I cry when I am overwhelmed from happiness or love, or I sob when I miss my Momma and my pups. Crying has always been my expression of emotion, and the ugly cry is what I think about when those emotions hit you all at once without any sense of ripping the bandaid off and you are left feeling raw, empty and broken. I have had quite a few of those in the past couple of months as I try to sift through my mind and all the files of pain and hurt I have filed in the library of my mind. Being "emotional" has become a natural description of my persona, maybe its the Cancer in me, but it always left a bad taste in my mouth because of the negative connotations that followed it. As women, and human beings alike, we are conditioned to believe that certain traits are seen as a cripple rather than something to value and use as a weapon in self identity. "Emotional" is a trigger adjective that leaves me feeling like my attachment to how I feel and the intensity of what I feel as invalid and wrong.

Now, I know that is a politically intense description of what being emotional is, but it really hit me when I was sitting in my Political Science debate class and we were debating about the use of gun control. My professor asked me my opinion and I explained my stance. I explained that I understand the attachment to the 2nd Amendment, but felt that times have changed and society has evolved, meaning that amendment has different importance in regards to safety than it did when it was written in the 1700's when we were forced to protect ourselves from fierce predators. My professors response was, "You seem to be getting emotional in response to the question at hand." I was dumbfounded. Not only was I being scolded for my opinion and how I presented it, but I was being reprimanded for using the tool that I feel the most attune to: my emotions. Mind you, I am the only female in a class that has 7 men in it, making it an interesting conversation as I have a lot to say about a lot. As my family likes to say, I like the sound of my own voice more sometimes that what I am taking about, so debate seems to come natural for me. 

You may be thinking, how does this rant on how ridiculous your college class is relate to the subject at hand. Well, I'm getting there. Now I challenge you to think about something. When was the last time you felt the emotion you were feeling. Im talking really feel it, to your core, and let it be felt without regret. Hard to remember right? During one of my therapy sessions my therapist presented me the exact same question, and I found myself a bit dumbfounded. I could remember the hundreds of times where I felt emotions, but never felt valid in my feelings. I always had that tinge of guilt because there was someone else who probably hurt more than me, that I had so much to be thankful for, and the fact that what I was sad about was small, minute and petty in the grand scheme of things. But my therapist made a point to say, no matter what you are feeling, validity is in your own control. Your emotions are just that; YOUR EMOTIONS. How you deal, acknowledge and accept your emotions are in your own control. Cue the atomic explosion video from YouTube. This was a pretty mind blowing idea for me because the idea of being "out of control" when it came to my emotional health was a core issue for me. I felt that my emotions ruled me and that I was in the back seat watching a car crash happen, when in reality I was a driver that wasn't aware that I was in charge of what exit we get off on. Learning to accept your emotions as an asset is a big pill to swallow because we have always attached fear and disappointment in emotional reactions. I will admit, that I have yet to reach that enlightened stage. I still feel that sting of guilt when I am upset about my room being messy when people are suffering around the world. But its how I channel those emotions that change the outcome. 

So I challenge you. I challenge you to give yourself a break. Allow your heart to burst with happiness at the sight of fresh flowers. Allow your mind to race when you think about all the errand you have to run. Allow yourself to ugly cry when your work day has been so hectic that you ache and can't bear it. Allow those tears to flow when a Dixie Chicks song comes on the radio and you think of home. Allow for your emotions to be a part of you. Allow yourself to love you for you, and nothing else. 

I leave you with one of my favorite songs on this planet. This song speaks to the values and ideas that bring me home. It not only soothes my heart when I have had a long day, but reminds me of the kindness and acceptance that we as human beings should offer to each other.