On the Ride

I have always been told, "Gosh, you are so lucky to have such a great relationship with your siblings." But it never really registered with me how interesting our bond was until all of us had grown through high school. That being said, my siblings and I are truly best friends. I come from a family of 5, 2 parents and three kids. I am the oldest at 24, my sister Sal is 22 (her birthday is Oct 4th) and my brother is 19 (he's also an October baby). I don't know if it was because our family has always been through hell and back through life trials, or that we spent out entire lives moving and picking up the pieces so we found solace in the familiar face of a sibling at school, or if we just were raised right, but my siblings are my best friends. I don't mean that in a topical, articifcal and attention-seeking manner, I truly mean that my siblings are the two people on this earth that I would choose to spend all of my time with, instead of outside people. 

I know this may seem like an odd topic to post about, but it has really been on my mind about the relationship that I have with them, and the change that has occurred in the past years. They are the only ones who know the actual person that I am, and love me for it. They have seen my incredible highs, and my deep lows, and have loved me through it. They are the only ones that I will "suck it up" for when it comes to an activity I am outnumbered for because I secretly know that I will have fun no matter what. They are the only ones that I will allow to control my music in the car. They are the only ones that can make me laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants. They are the only ones that I don't have to feel self conscious in front of about whether I am wearing a bra, or if my face is greasy. They are the only ones that will make me feel like I am home just at the sight of their faces. 

Being that we are all grown and out of the house, I have really been feeling a sense of detachment that I truly can't shake. I have been feeling as though I am losing the parts of my heart that they occupy because for the first time in our lives, we will all be separated and won't see each other. As most of you know, my sister and I have lived together for the past three years on our own on the island of Oahu, while my parents and brother resided on Hawaii island. This past May, my brother also graduated from high school and has gone on to college on the mainland. Initially, it was quite the transition for all of us as we moved out, my dad retired from the Army, we were seperated by a couple of islands, and we had to find ways to feel at home from a distance. Luckily, Sal and I had each other and worked really hard to feel better and grow accustomed to missing home. But I couldn't shake the feeling of loss, and detached from the life that I was building here on Oahu. Whenever we went home for holidays, or we happened to have a weekend off (Sal and I both work retail, meaning inconsistent scheduling), it was the greatest sigh of relief as we pulled into the driveway and we were mauled by the fluffy pups and we got to spend time with our brother. And when the time came to leave, I would cry and sob because I didn't want to leave. I wanted to hold onto that feeling of being whole and comfortable. 

This allowed me to realize, my family is my home. My family is the missing piece of my heart that I thought was lost, but had ultimately just had fallen down on the shelf and needed to be picked up and dusted off. My family was the part of me that needed to be cared for and loved. I always felt a sense of shame, which seems like a harsh word, when people would point out the fact that my family is really close and we have worked really hard to get to a trusting and loving place where we see each other as the soft place to land. That our family unit was the acceptance and comfort we sought. A lot of it is attributed, if not all of it, to my parents. They have loved, pushed, supported and comforted us through the hardest of times, and allowed us to come home and find ourselves again. They have been thrown curveballs, caught them, and threw them right back at life's pitcher. 

Moving onto my siblings. They are the two of the greatest people that I know. They are both so different, yet similar. Sal is strong, independent, hilarious, stubborn, protective, kind, animated, colorful and the part of me that feels like I can stand up for myself. Sal is the person that I look to for strength, and comfort. She is the first person to volunteer to take the back seat of the suburban when we all pile in to take a trip to Kona. She is the one who always has the better movie taste. Her sense of humor rivals that of all the comedians in the world, in my opinion. She is the one that gets all of my jokes and will constantly send me memes. Seannie is one of the most handsome and confident men that I have ever had the joy of watching grow up. He is fiercely loyal, and loves the people in his life harder than anyone I know. Although he is not vocal about how he feels, you just know that he would take a bullet for you. When we are with him in instances where it seems a bit sketchy, we always know we are safe with him. I would trust my life with him. Watching him strive and fulfill his dream to play college football truly is one of the most incredible things I have seen. His dedication, blood, sweat and tears went into this dream and someday I hope to be that dedicated to a dream like he is. Combined, they are the soulmates that God so graciously gave me. They remind me everyday of the reasons why I am so lucky to be on this earth, and that I get to walk hand in hand with two of the most incredible humans. 

As most of you know, I have made the drastic decision to make the big move home to start the new chapter in my life. With this decision, it throws a giant wrench in the current living situation that I am currently in; meaning that Sal and I will for the first time in our lives be living separately. I thought that I would be ok, that I would be sad, but I never thought I would be as heartbroken as I have been feeling. I feel like I am leaving half of my heart with Sal because she is the one person that I spend 98% of my life with. We work together. We go to school together. We got the same degree. We live together. We go to Target together. So separating from her is akin, in my mind, like a divorce. We are dividing up the assets, and going our separate ways. We had a life together for 22 years, and now its time to find ourselves alone. Processing these feelings in therapy, my therapist reminded me that I have to grieve the change that is happening. That I have been so caught up in the idea that feeling sad was ok, that I didn't think to connect the idea of grieving the loss of this chapter in my life. Grief to me sounds like such a strong word, and is associated with death often, so when I think about what Sal and I are going through, I have to acknowledge the sadness and emptiness that I will feel because she will no longer be 10 feet away from my door. 

Finally, I want to speak to Sal and Seannie directly. I don't know if I can ever put into words how thankful that you two are the two people that you are. You saved my life. You two are the people that I want to make crazy memories with, and be frustrated at, and laugh with, and learn with. Thank you for showing me that being myself was something that I can live with. I am so proud to be the big sister to two of the most talented and crazy siblings on this planet. Don't think this means I won't roll my eyes at the next movie selection, or be pissed when I have to drive you into town to pickup your Starbucks order. But no matter what, I will always be on your side. I wouldn't want to be on this crazy ride with anyone else. I love you, chickens.