Pumpkins & Black Coffee

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a committed and dedicated relationship with Fall, Pumpkin Spice and anything holiday related. I'm that girl that gets a Venti PSL and gets all the stares cause yes, I'm going to drink it in spite of all the health nuts that roll their eyes because it has gallons of shit in it. Listen, I get it. Its not good for me, I know that. But neither is my comparing myself to others and other body types that I will never be, so I will drink the occasional PSL because I can. 

But I digress. 

So Fall is one of my favorite times of the year, second to Christmas (I turn into a crazy person), which I think was why I have been on this autumnal high. This high has allowed me to feel that happiness that I have been in desperate need of. You know that feeling when you drink a glass of water, and didn't realize how thirsty you were and down the entire bottle in one sip? Thats how I have been feeling. I have been home for the last week and I have to tell you; I feel amazing. Like, within those 7 days, I have taught my first after school classes, gone to church, started drinking black coffee in contrast to the iced coffee with gallons of milk and sugar, gotten up at 6am every day to have coffee with my parents, snuggled with my pups, fed my Mommas horse, tried Thai food, cut back on the crap that I eat, and slept for a solid 8 hours each night. And I feel the difference. I feel clear headed and open to new ideas. Now, I still gagged and refused to eat the pumpkin soup my Momma made, so I still have a while to go with maturity and trying new things, but I'm getting there. 

So lets talk about some of the things I did in the past week other than what I listed above:

One of the greatest things about being home and the only kid here, is my Momma takes me everywhere. Not just because I don't have a car, but because she wants me to meet everyone and participate in all the things that her and my Daddy do. So I went shopping with her, I went to her to school, we went to a Christmas parade meeting which was the greatest (the ladies are so funny, and remind me of why I love having grown up here), we volunteered and worked at the Waimea Pumpkin Patch and worked well over the hours required because we were having such a good time. We decorated my dads office for halloween, as well as the house, and fed all the animals fall/pumpkin flavored for for dinner. I have been going to be at 8p every night because I am genuinely tired, and not wired on caffeine. I have just been living slower. I thought that once I got here I would be frustrated and annoyed because I am so far away from everything and wanted to be near a mall, but it honesty hasn't crossed my mind. I haven't wanted to shop anywhere except at Foodland because I look forward to my 6p cocktail and pupu (appetizer) of Poke on the back deck everyday. 

 It was important for me to write this post. I wanted to show that my life is not all doom and gloom, that I do have moments and periods where there is light in my life. For the first time in a really long time, I feel better. I feel like my smile is genuine, that I am laughing without fear of being judged by the people around me, and I am happy to wake up every day. That's not to say that I don't have anxious moments and feel the pressure still on my shoulders, because I do. It is going to take a long time to chisel away at the wall that my heart has built because it is my life work. I can't expect a miracle, but I can start the process of putting happiness first and actually being excited about the future. But moving home was the best first choice to put me first. 

PS: follow me on Instagram @maryfrannn if you wanna follow along on my journey, I post a lot of cat videos and my complaining about the weather to my story.