Breakaway

I thought I had a full grasp on what “Writers Block” was being that I have an English degree, and have struggled my way through an essay or two. So, when I felt myself go, one week, then two, then it built up to nearly two months since my last post of no blogging, I felt the pressure press on my shoulders because I thought I owed people something. An update, a rant, a collage of pictures from my time home, and so on. Yet, I tried my best to stay true to the promise that I said to myself when I started this journey: Say what means something to you, and don’t force something because that’s not authentic. And I just didn’t have anything to say. I felt emotionally better than I have ever felt, and yet the holidays were a crash course in our family dynamic and how maturing souls change that dynamic sometimes. But I really just didn’t have anything to say because I feared that if I said that I was better, then people would lose interest; which is not why I chose to blog. I wanted to blog because I love writing about things that spark my thoughts, and I wanted to share it. With the holidays, I was exhausted emotionally and physically and just didn’t have the energy to find inspiration behind what I have learned, and try to dig deep for what I wanted to share.

Until Saturday.

For those of you who live under a rock, Saturday was a rough day for all the Hawaii residents that experienced the horror/terror that followed the text alert that notified the millions that there was an impending missile sent for our state from North Korea. My family was lucky enough to have an asset in my father because he works for the military and the Hawaii island community, and happned to be briefed on the threat, making it a primary conversation at the dinner table when everyone was home for the holidays. Yet nothing would prepare us for the panic and fear that would ensue. I got that message, thinking it was a flash flood warning that we frequently got, only to have every feeling drain from my body because I read the message and realized the gravity of the problem. I sprinted for my Dad, who was getting ready to go to the farmers market, and all he said was, “Ok. Let’s go.” Setting into motion 15 minutes of panic, prep and rushing to get all our supplies and animals into our small guest bathroom. I will be honest; my reaction was anything but productive. I panicked hard core. I started to violently shake and sob as I filled water bottles and mason jars with water, throwing my science fiction novel and childhood stuffed animal into the bathroom, all the while my parents are dashing around talking to my sister on the phone (who lives on Oahu and is alone). We turned on CNN to the highest volume it could go on the TV and shoved ourselves into the bathroom, and awaited our fate.

It was a jarring feeling that within 10 minutes we sat in the bathroom where we were unsure of what would happen. Would we feel it? Was it going to hit our island? Would we survive? It really sucks the life out of you because for a second there, I thought I was going to die. For once, I wasn’t ready to die and it left me feeling regretful. Then, my dad checked his phone and started to see that it was potentially a false alarm, setting into motion the rest of the day which was filled with a mixture of anger because of the terror this “accident” caused, urgency because we needed to be better prepared for a looming attack, and for me it was a feeling of reflection because for a second, I thought, I am never going to be able to do the things I have always wanted to do. I still had so many things I wanted to do, but now that time was being threatened.

Then I thought, What are those things?

I have a hard time setting goals for myself because I have a fear of failing. Although this is a common feeling for most people, I have always envied those who could just do it. Set a goal or find something that inspires them and chase it. Once again, fear makes its recurring appearance on my life sitcom. So, after today, and all the emotions and exhaustion it led to, I decided to give myself a break and write. I wanted to share with you what I want this year, and the rest of my life, to be. Set the tone for a path that allows the sun to hit my face, and for me to appreciate it, rather than worry about those little thoughts that dictate my joy.

So here goes…

Unplug: I want to unplug and separate myself more from the screens that sometimes I think are permanently attached to my hand. I’ll admit, I spend a lot of time scrolling social media and looking at news headlines. Now, to me it’s important to stay informed when it comes to politics and worldly happenings because I want to be as educated in them as possible so that I can make an informed opinion that is my own, rather than join a bandwagon. But there is a difference between taking a step back and being ignorant, and I want to toe that line because the screens and media are distractions from what is happening around me. The funny things my dogs do, and the blooming of the cherry blossoms in the back yard, and discovering Jackson chameleons in the trees and just feeling the wind on my face.

Thankful & Present: I have talked about my thoughts when it came to being present, and that has set the tone to my recovery. I want to continue that. But something that I think goes hand in hand with being present is being thankful. Whether it’s being thankful that I drove home safe on a foggy night, or thanking the free-range chicken that I am baking for dinner for her service; I want to be thankful for the life that I chose to live. When I made the decision to live after the years of pain, I vowed to be present in moments that I knew would feed my soul slowly, and would eventually patch the holes in my heart, and I can already feel those holes being filled because for the first time in a long time I have smiled without reservation.

Take Time: I spent the past near 6 years going about 100 miles an hour with trying to finish a degree, and working full time at a location that demanded both emotionally and physically past what our “typical” job expectations. It sucked the life out of me. So, I want to take time to do the mundane, little, mindless and soul-calming things. Whether its sitting on the back deck with my dogs, or pushing myself to drink three Yeti cups full of water by the end of the day, or making macramé dream catchers for people that make my heart swell, then that’s what I am going to do. I am going to take time out of my day to remember that taking things slow is what my body needs.

Move On: This is the final goal that I am setting for myself. I want to move on from the person that I was, and the things I felt and the place that I inhabited. I am not that person anymore, no matter how hard that is for me to accept because I have a hard time accepting progress because I never felt worthy of happiness or normalcy. I want to move on from the pain and talk about the things that make me excited to get out of bed every day. I want to talk about how much I love teaching, no matter if it’s my classroom or if I am subbing for middle school science and don’t know a lick about the material. I want to talk about how much I love planning trips and looking up things to do. I want to pursue my love of crafting and making things from hand. It’s time for me to close that chapter and start a new one. One that is filled with big, wide smiles and lots of loud laughing because that’s what life is about.

Learning to breakaway from who you thought you were is like saying goodbye to an old friend. I will always hold onto the piece of that girl that was so afraid to be who she was meant to be because she led me to the place where I am now. Happy and learning to embrace the imperfect every day because that’s what lends to the colorfulness of the world. So, here’s to a new year, and a new chapter, it’s going to be a fun ride.