Unapologetically

            We have all been there. Embarrassed, ashamed, panicked from too much attention, terrified of being noticed, paralyzed by the thought of judgment, sifting through the thousands of anxious thoughts that run through your mind about what others think of you, and trying to decide whether you should or shouldn’t care. That conflict, in my opinion, is hardwired into human beings. An evolved trait, if you will. I know that some of you are going to say, “MF, come on, I really don’t care and just do me,” which may be true, but something that I have learned from years of worrying about the thoughts of other (whether they actually exist or if I am being paranoid), is that no one is safe from insecurities. We live in a world where we compare and contrast our lives through social media, and look for validation for things that we see as exciting. I’ll admit, I do it. I see something I love, or I am feeling pretty, and I show it to the world and await the response. Yet, I have that internal voice telling me that my face looks chubby or that people will think I am fat for eating a take-and-bake pizza from Costco because of my plus size nature.

            Here’s where I talk about me, and the dirty laundry pile of insecurities that I decide to hide in the linen closet of my mind where no one can see them, and I can continue to put on a face of happiness, contentment and confidence. I am not saying that I am insecure about everything about myself and my life, but I can confidently deduce that about 90% of my time and anxieties circle around the insecurities that I feel and how others will see me. My Momma and I have talked about this in length, as well as myself and my therapists, about where my thoughts come from, and how I could birth such abnormal and negative images of myself. Somedays, looking in the mirror is so painful because it is a reminder of the body that I live in and that I am ashamed of how I look, or that I can’t be 100% excited and happy all the time. All I could offer them was the expectations that I put on myself stem from the need to be perfect and accepted. Which is not a crazy explanation if it was as simple as it looks typed, but it is the crippling idea that has caused me to see myself as worthless and unsuccessful because perfection is not on my radar. I can think all the way back to high school when all I wanted desperately was to be a part of the core group of girls that ruled the school. They were the girls who had known each other since elementary school, did everything together, and truly embodied the image of what a movie friendship would be to me. That being said, I did everything I could to be friends with them. Yet, no matter what I did I was never accepted as a trusted ally to the group. Looking back on it, I am not angry or upset because High School was not a healthy emotional time for me, and it really taught me to stand up for myself and not be a doormat because I am a better friend than that. But, like most teenage girls, I thought that having 1,000 friends versus one or two best friends was what I “should” be doing. The word “should” is a constant in my narrative of insecurities. I should be loved by many. I should have done more. I should have been homecoming queen. I should have been popular. When really, I should have just been myself. However, it was near to impossible to be myself because I didn’t know who that was.

Getting back to the topic as hand, how my insecurities feed from high school. Well it’s just that: I wanted to have a high school experience that mirrored my favorite movies. I would have amazing best friends, a fabulous wardrobe, a cute AF boyfriend on the football team, and I would be the image of perfection.

I was nowhere near that, and that started the shame.

I was ashamed that I couldn’t be all that I thought I could be and that people didn’t like the person I was laying on the table. And for a long time, I blamed the people from high school because I thought they were the reason why I became so entrenched in the idea of being loved and accepted; I didn’t know how to process that. And it just happened to be when my emotional well-being came to a head, meaning I made the correlation.

In all honesty, it’s no one’s fault but my own. High school sucks for most people, and my experience really wasn’t bad at all. I wasn’t bullied, and I came out of it alive when I really thought that I wouldn’t, thanks to my family. Most people from high school wont even read this, but those of you who do, I am sorry that I didn’t show you me. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you the chance to experience the MF that I am now. But to be honest, I was so emotionally broken that I was unable to fathom the idea of showing that to others.

Coming back to insecurities, I think that is where it started. My obsession with perfection and wanting to be what everyone wants to be. When really, perfection is relative and unattainable. I want you to let that sink in. You can’t be perfect because it doesn’t exist and it is unique to every person as to what is perfect, beautiful and successful. I have always been ashamed for many things:

-My lack of love life (no boyfriend, no prospects, no kiss, etc.)

-My plus-size body and what I can and can’t wear

-My college career and its length

-My staying in Hawaii in comparison to the people I see who are travelling the world

-Supporting myself through a retail career

And the list goes on. It may see miniscule and ridiculous that these things bother me, but these are just a few of the things that bother me. I live on a brightly lit carousel that goes in circles and each horse holds an insecurity. Each time I sit on one, I am flooded with fear, shame and anxiety that others will see that I am suffering or afraid.

So, I was sitting in my car today as I drove home from Target, and my Spotify played the song “Unapologetically” by Kelsea Ballerini, and as I belted the song, it struck a chord. The song is about loving someone unapologetically no matter what others say. That love should surpass the fear of insecurity. And it made me think about my insecurities, and how I let them rule my life. That I am in a lifetime contract with fear and that breaking that contract will come with unknown consequences. I know that I have amazing friends that have become my chosen family, and have a family that loves and pushes me out of my comfort zone on the daily. I know that I have blue eyes that make me swell with pride every time someone compliments them because I got them from my dad. I know that I will help kids someday and will make an impact. But I know that I am always going to feel inferior unless I do something about it. But I am trying. I am trying new fashion trends. I am learning to fall in love with myself so that someone someday can love me back.  I am learning to be unapologetic for the person that I am. Someone who:

-Cant watch any form of scary or thriller-like movie or trailer because I won't sleep for a week and will leave my bathroom light on
-Wears Christmas pajamas all year around
-Laughs the loudest in the room at the stupid jokes
-Still gags when I try new foods that I have convinced myself I don't like, like a 4 year old
-Tries to send snail-mail at least once a week because I love getting mail
-Can sit and watch old movies for hours upon hours
-Is a loud car singer, I'm talking full on screaming thinking I am in key
-Has a weird habit of finding words that sound funny, and repeatedly say them over and over again out loud in weird accents and voices (just ask my sister)

And ultimately, I am looking fear directly in the face and saying, “Bring it.”